evan l ross

Success.

2008-09-25T14:25:31Z

I will not use this blog again. Thanks to livejournal for accepting my rants and raves.

I'm moving on.

Wow.

2008-07-22T05:39:23Z

I'm a little embarrassed that I'm 18 and still using livejournal for more than just some simple looking back. MY LAST POST WAS TWO WEEKS AGO??? I feel like that was two or three days ago. WHAT THE FUCK? Where is my time going? At the same time, even though next to nothing has happened, a lot has changed in my own psyche. I know why, but I just don't know how to solve it. It's all so ambiguous and vague and subtle that I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. I've never been good at subtlety.

I'll do what I can..

Apparently I just periodically miss this,

2008-07-08T07:00:53Z

which is senseless because it's always sitting right here waiting for me, but I just choose to ignore it for periods lasting anywhere from a month to several.

Remember when Lydia was my favorite band?
Remember when I took pictures at 2:30am in Monmouth Beach and had no friends?
Remember when my entire range of emotions, from inconsolable to ecstatic would be explored in the course of a weekend?
Remember when I was wistful?
Remember when I'd never drink or smoke?
Remember when I adamantly believed in objective truth?
Remember when I'd post livejournals multiple times per week?
Remember when I was idealistic and alone and just so indescribably content with life and spoke the ocean in the hour just before sunrise?

I'm not really sure to whom these are addressed. THANK GOODNESS the last one is still around, though, and I will probably be departing soon to speak to my longest-standing and most loyal friend. The first one may be temporarily true also, as I'm loving Lydia's second album right now, and it seems only fitting I'd listen to it as I write this.

Taking up my new habit was one of the best decisions I ever made. I was already pretty happy before I did, but having done it with some frequency now, I can only conclude it's made me even happier. I'm more spiritual, I'm friendlier, and I'm far more pleased with my life. I still have my mild paranoias and neuroses but I have made progress, and truly, they only bother me on rare occasions.

P.S. I had to stop typing in the middle of the last rhetorical question up there to close my eyes and get giddy and smile enormously, just because I was thinking about how great my life is.

I forgot my Ipod was named Grendel. I just cracked up when I saw that just now. I had some good insights sometimes, even back in the day, if I can toot my own horn a little.

I wish other people still used Livejournal. Reviewing my old entries, getting comments used to make me all smiley. Though, even if nobody else ever happens to see this, it won't be that bad at all. ;-)

I'm off to the Ocean. Goodnight.

lol.

2008-03-03T04:10:26Z

sometimes i forget, but i'm forcing myself to remember that i'm only as happy as i choose to be. i choose to be very happy thanks.

but as for my many pet peeves, my current one is how tired i am of hearing / seeing / reading lyrics everywhere i go, be it in real life or online.
lol.

and i completely adore my myspace.

I've changed.

2007-12-27T08:36:32Z

I've changed a lot.

evanlross @ 2007-12-19T22:49:00

2007-12-20T03:49:13Z

Living the good life. <3

I've been a lot happier

2007-11-16T05:08:17Z

since I've become more spiritual. I saw two spirits in the last two days. First in the dense morning fog on Wednesday, driving over the bridge into Little Silver, I swear I saw a being float swiftly and smoothly into the trees.

Then tonight, driving home from Zakk's, a very fair, light brown deer leaps onto the road, stares at my car briefly, then hops back into the yards. It got me thinking so much. I can't believe the way our kind just moved into Turtle Island, renamed it "America," declared ourselves the true owners, murdered the locals and destroyed the way of life they'd been practicing for millenia. Meanwhile, the natives who have been on Turtle Island for hundreds of thousands of years, the deer, suddenly find themselves lost in an artificial world of wood, fences, and roads in only some 50 or 60 years. Fortunately, because of the unprecented level of world destruction of our kind, we won't be here fucking everything up for that many generations left. It would be like a bum moving into your perfectly cleaned and neat home and trashing everything. At least he leaves the next morning. We "Americans" will be doing that soon enough. Then the deer will have their home back.

I don't care what logic or the reasoned mind out to dictate. A wise mind is a balanced mind, mixing the objective with the subjective. What I saw both times were spiritual manifestations of this very planet. I have my own theory about the fog spirit, and about fog generally, but I am far too exhausted.

Goodnight everybody.

Thursday's Waiting

2007-11-06T05:48:47Z

Waiting has always been a poignant CD to me. I listen and I always feel nostalgic for a past I never had. A time when music meant something real, something beyond audial enjoyment. I know they really weren't trying to start a revolution with this CD, and actually, I'm pretty sure all they wanted to do was write an excellent CD to start their career with. But whatever their intent, the result, in my mind, is a work that evokes a feelings of the true teenage mindset. Pure, unpretentious, actual emotions that one could find in the typical teenage mind, underneath the layers of dust and television images.

I'm scared that I have to be an adult in the eyes of the law in three months. I'm anything but prepared to call myself an adult. I could go on a long rant of the silliness of "becoming legal," but I won't. All I want is to enjoy the rest of my years as a minor and then continue to enjoy my years as an adult. I do have to make sure I never forget my young idealism. The beliefs form at a young age because they are my own true values, more dear to me then any I will develop as an adult. I will not forget them, nor will I forget the lessons I've learned.

I'm planning to make my birthday weekend the best three days of my life. My birthday falls on a Saturday, which is the best day it could be on, so I will make the most of that.
I'm thinking Friday night will consist of massive abandonment exploration, Marlboro Asylum of course, perhaps something else too..
Saturday, I'll probably plan a hiking trip, and with luck, a lot of people will come on that. I hope to get everyone or almost everyone on that.
Sunday, I want to go to the Paulinskill Viaduct.
Maybe a trip to the Palisades in there too. And definitely night at the Inkwell after at least one of these trips, like a 1am deal, if possible. Probably a dinner at an Indian restaurant one of these nights too.

"So often we form communities, only to use them as exclusionary devices. We forget that somewhere a man is beside himself with grief. Somewhere people are calling for teachers, and no one is answering. Somewhere a man stands, walks across the room, and breaks his nose against the door. And somewhere these people are keeping records and writing a book. For now, we can call it the book about the basic flaw, or the book about the letter a, or any title that a book about a man that no one cares about might have. and as we turn the pages, we call out the sounds nothing, the sounds of a vanishing alphabet, standing here, waiting."

This CD is still blowing me away. Goodnight.

This is when you know there's something wrong with public school.

2007-10-29T04:46:51Z

This is taken from my K-5 grade school. This didn't exist when I went there, and thank goodness. This is one of the sickest, most horrific things I've seen in a long while...

Family Life Curriculum
The NJ Department of Education has mandated that Family Life Education shall be presented in the public schools.

The New Jersey State Department of Education has mandated that Family Life Education shall be presented in the public schools. They have also indicated that such education should address four major areas of concerns:
I. Interpersonal relationships
II. Responsible personal behavior
III. Establishment of strong family life
IV. Foundations of human growth and development

Kindergarten
The student will know that:

everyone is either male or female.
the family is the basic unit in society.
family members are important and share responsibilities.
aging is a normal part of life.
body parts have a name.
they have a choice of careers.
there are good touches and bad touches.

Grade One
The student will know that:

family loyalty is important.
families have different structures.
family rules are important.
affection and respect within a family contributes to the mental well-being of the family members.

Grade Two
The student will know that:

families face problems when they must move.
each family has its uniqueness.
parents need to make decisions.
male and females roles vary in different cultures.
each person has a unique rate of growth.
body parts have a function.
importance of developing meaningful relationships.
everyone experiences a wide range of emotions.
every behavior has a consequence.

Grade Three
The student will know that:

family loyalty is important.
family structure differs.
each member must contribute for family harmony.
parents who care make decisions.
families must have rules.
problems should be discussed with the family.
growth passes through various stages.
all living things are able to reproduce.
babies develop inside the mother.
motor, behavior, and language functions develop during infancy.
individuals have a unique rate of growth.
fertilization produces a new individual.

Grade Four
The student will know that:

each family member must be respected as an individual.
a lack of respect is the basis of prejudice.
each person is responsible for their behavior.
behavior should be consistent with moral and ethical standards of family.
each family member has responsibilities.
cooperation supports family unit.
handling responsibility and thoughtful decision-making are indications of maturing individuals.
function of pituitary gland.
hormones bring change.
the process of fertilization.
each has a unique pattern of growth.
basic needs are the same but not equal.

Grade Five
The student will know that:

there is a normal pattern of growth and development.
each has a personal time clock controlling growth.
hormones have an influence on you.
there are solutions to emotional problems.
reproductive organs serve a specific purpose.
all systems of the body work together to create a human being.
aging brings more responsibility.
to have a friend, you must be one.
love and respect are important.
family support is sometimes viewed as unwanted discipline.
a mature individual accepts constructive criticism.

Grade Six
The student will know that:

family composition changes.
members have roles, responsibilities, and needs.
communication is essential for good mental/emotional health.
the family is valuable.
improper behavior may have negative impact.
living things are conceived, grow, reproduce and die.
different cells have different functions.
the circulatory system is an intricate system.
developing emotional control is essential.
growth patterns of males and females are unique.

Grade Seven & Eight
The student will know:

adolescence brings changes.
changes in the male and female.
the pituitary gland.
hormones.
reproductive organs.
beginning of puberty.
fertilization.
chromosomes.
pregnancy and birth.
inherited characteristics.
genes.
the harmful affects of alcohol, drugs, and tobacco.
there is a cost to sexually transmitted disease, not only to the individual, but also to the community.
family living results in interactions among individuals with unique personalities, unique goals, unique needs.
mental health is revealed by the way a person feels and acts.
everyone needs to develop self-acceptance and recognition of self-worth.
accepting responsibilities is necessary for the development of emotional maturity.

Now my two cents, if our society has become so fragmented from a knowledge of what it means to be a human being that our children are no longer able to grow up by their own accords, we're already dead. I have to infer from this new curriculum that parents have been deemed inadequate to inform their children of anything, if the public school system now must be the one to tell our seven year olds that "family rules are important." These are the same families who, according to the NJ government, are incapable of teaching their own children that "family rules are important." A bit illogical, perhaps? Maybe the most illogical thing I could find would be some logic in a government, I guess. Again, I'm naive and I like to think that a child's "family" would be the most adept at teaching their "biological offspring" about what it means to be in a "family" or how to grow up.

If I ever raise a child, I will make sure that I have the time to homeschool him or the money to send him to private school. Any school teaching fourth grade students that "a lack of respect is the basis of prejudice" has proven itself useless in my eyes.

I'm always more emotional when I'm tired...

2007-10-25T04:46:08Z

But "Your Hand in Mine" by Explosions in the Sky is seriously throwing me to the verge of tears, complete with a spontaenous overflow of powerful feelings.

This is me.

2007-10-22T22:04:26Z

I found an ancient Pompeiian garden in Middletown today and a centuries-old, woodland, abandoned cottage.

Today = worth waking up for.

Wordless

2007-10-14T05:25:39Z

The power of this weekend has been immense. From the internal anguish and deterioration and eventual collapse I went through last night to the supposed redemption of this afternoon, one might think I would rank this among my worst weekends of my life. But it is, in fact, just the opposite. If Friday and the early part of today had not been a total disaster, I would not have had the beautiful 7 hours that I had tonight. Chris's basement was unbelievably enjoyment. The diner was too. Billy, Chris, Kevin, Kyle, Mattie K, Ryan (alphabetical list of names always so nobody can worry) was a great bunch, and I got to see Jack and Zakk at the end of the night thank goodness, which was was just pièce de résistance on top of an already amazing night. Billy's car rides to and from the diner were a good 15 minutes each way. Billy, Kyle, Mattie K, Chris, and I going on for probably over 2 hours with CBA stories that were all amazing. Getting to stay out until 12:45 for no reason at all. Getting from Chris Thompson's to Zakk's house in TWELVE MINUTES!! New world record. I love my life beyond any rational explanation. Goodnight.

Has it really been this long since my last update?

2007-10-10T01:50:03Z

yep..it has been.

so not much going on that i'm going to mention on a livejournal. and uhh...that's that. school has relaxed a bit, but i have to type a two or three page paper on part of a book that i haven't read. oh well. i'll manage. i just don't wanna go ahead and do it. but uh..yeah. i've been pretty happy lately and such. a bit apprehensive, perhaps, but good. i love my senior schedule almost entirely. it's been going very well because i have 2 and a half different groups of friends at school i get to see at different times in different classes. it's cool.

time to do that nunan paper. peace.

evanlross @ 2007-09-19T18:00:00

2007-09-19T22:17:45Z

Add a few more teaspoons of lame to the original recipe for this week.

and i'm exhausted and nearly fell asleep driving on the PA turnpike, but that's okay. no actual accidents or anything.

i don't know. this weekend will likely be good. i need to do something awesome friday night. anyone wanna come hiking with me right after school till like nightfall or something? i don't know. i want something different.

evanlross @ 2007-09-16T22:31:00

2007-09-17T02:41:08Z

I don't have much to say as of late. Stuff's been pretty good. This week, however, will not be good, but that's just trifling daily affairs. Stuff will return to good quality again Thursday or Friday the latest. I don't know. There's another silly thing that is not resolving itself anytime soon.

But unlike that thing, my sleep habits ARE improving. I'm going to bed right now, which is unbelievably early for a Sunday night for me.

Well, there is nothing else of interest happening right now, except for the curiously high level of pretentiousness I used in writing this entry. Now I'm just mocking myself, which is good, or else I'd look like an enormous asshole, as opposed to the moderately sized asshole I am for recognizing my pretentiousness. I hate myself. Not really, though. Goodnight all.

evanlross @ 2007-09-10T10:46:00

2007-09-10T14:42:50Z

i'm sitting in school writing an LJ because i'm just that awesome. that's all i have to say.

The more I say it, the more it will stick.

2007-09-03T08:05:43Z

I love myself and the world around me.
I love myself and the world around me.
I love myself and the world around me.
I love myself and the world around me.
I love myself and the world around me.

It's rote learning, but I'm hoping that repitition will keep it in my head whenever I start to feel angry and cheated. I do however, enjoy the occasional depression here and there, so that is not a problem. Or maybe it doesn't even matter. Why should it? I am generally a happy person. Actually not as much lately. I do stay happier when I remember to be happy. I guess that's pretty odd, but it's how I am. I can be happy if I want to be, but it doesn't really happen on its own very often.

On a random note, Vassar was absolutely lovely, and I hope very much that I get accepted. I have a better chance there than at Swarthmore, (comparing their 18% acceptance rate with Vassar's 28%) and overall I think I liked what I saw at Vassar more, plus I have the advantage that my aunt is an active alumna of Vassar and does the interviews for my area. That should help a little. I'm looking forward to college. I'm looking forward to my life, really. It should be enjoyable. The hiking / cliff-jumping trip was just the beginning. It's going to get so much better.

And Zakk made me feel so much stronger today. I wish I remembered his direct quote as I usually do. I just remember that he asked me to please not give in to drinking and the like because he needs to continue to see me as ... I don't even remember. I just remember his intent, and it gave me 10x greater strength to continue abstaining from drug use.

And it's past 4, so it is now bedtime.

Goodnight kids.

Today was way too good to not post an LJ.

2007-09-02T06:28:16Z

Just about everything that happened today was beautiful. The hiking was definitely about three-and-a-half hours not including any stops or breaks. The cliff jump was so much fun, and scary as hell. Jack and I both did it six times. I never found it to get any easier, though. It was weird. Everytime I still stood over the edge relatively scared of leaping in. The water felt amazing though and we filled an empty gatorade bottle with it and I drank it and it tasted just as good as any Poland Spring bottle of water.

We're definitely looking up more hikes in new jersey to start doing it much more often. It's so much fun.

Here and there.

2007-08-24T08:18:51Z

Sometimes, there's very little that feels better than a brief, but genuine heartache.

I'm very lonely lately, and it's a bit scary because my head has been subtly shifting back into "what are other people?" mode from a couple years ago.

I should have my car back tomorrow. I'm very hopeful about that. I need to go on such a long drive to make up for these last eight days.

I started working on some college applications today too. That was unsettling. I have mixed feelings about school restarting, but I'm pretty sure most of them are negative. I don't know, it's basically only half a year, then nothing matters. I'm just thinking college will not go over well for me. I'm just thinking life will not go over well for me. I'm just thinking too much. And not writing enough. And wasting too much time playing Literati.

Why am I scared of people in a room?
Why cant they see a good time are the people close to you?
Why don’t I just give in, have a drink and shake some hands?

Why am I scarred from what [s]he did to me?
Why can't I trust anyone, no, not even me?
Why don’t I just give in, have a drink and shake some hands?

I don't care that it's not what he's talking about. Those words describe my life, past and present, to a tee, and I felt tears run down hearing Nate sing them last night.

I can't wait for the Lake Terrace trip.

yeah.

2007-08-23T16:38:11Z

the format was one of the best shows i'd ever seen.

made me unbelievably happy.

and piebald was very good too.

=)

2007-08-16T07:57:31Z

To-do List for the rest of my life:

-jump off cliffs into water.
-write more poetry.
-teach high school English
-hike
-go to college
-learn photography and graphic design
-get lost all the time
-discover more beautiful music
-see more concerts
-read more books
-find everything new jersey has to offer
-then advance to new states
-go in more abandoned asylums

I'm evan.
I'm enjoying my life.
I've seen some awe-inspiring sights, heard some beautiful sounds, experienced some beautiful realities.
This has all been the warm-up.
I'm standing on the edge of a beautiful life.
I'm excited to begin the fall.
It's going to be so good that the end of the plunge will be merely a long-awaited reprieve.
I encourage you to share some my journey with me.
New friends are always nice, although I am judgmental. It's in my blood. Sorry.

I'm just so happy. Everything is perfect. My life is going to be perfect. What more could I ask for?

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT POETRY!

2007-08-15T07:47:27Z

Wistful. Forever wistful.
.A sentimental explosion.
A harsh reality.
A beautiful truth.
.Stubbornness.
A permanent duplexity.
A tenuous existence for an oddly extant concept.
.Reflective yearning. Wistfulness.

^THAT IS NOT POETRY.
That is a mind exercise.
I want to train my brain to start formulating mind-pleasing expressions of feeling, unified on a central theme.

Beauty

2007-08-09T05:29:40Z

I can't believe how amazing the Palisades were.

The trip was worth it. It would have been worth it if it were an hour longer. The ride home was amazing too.

I love New Jersey; with all of its flaws, I've seen some of the most beautiful sights I'll ever see while growing up here.

Late-night Nostalgia.

2007-08-08T08:44:31Z

Long Branch, NJ.

When I was really young, my parents used to take me there all the time. We'd walk along Ocean Ave, which was closed to vehicles for as long as I was alive. It was their version of a boardwalk at the time. I had no idea, but the Long Branch I was experiencing then was the ruins of a former big city that rivaled Hollywood in its fame. But I loved it. I loved walking along the edge of the road, seeing the ocean. Yes, we'd walk past some boarded up, abandoned buildings, which I always found odd. But there was still the mini-golf, the batting cages. I used to love the arcade, and I vaguely remember an eatery. We went to Seven Presidents a few times, played frisbee. We always went to Strollo's Lighthouse. They had the best ice cream I'd ever known, to this day. I remember seeing some play areas, similar to the now commonplace McDonald's playplace, but they were never open. My dad said there was a big fire and it closed down. Same with the former amusement pier, but he said that was gone before I was born.

Now those simple pleasures are leaving. Long Branch is being reinventors by greedy developers and greedier town council members with warped views of reality. Yes, I understand that all these closed and boarded up establishments merit demolotion and redevelopment. But there was nothing wrong with the majority of the places, which were open and did good business. And the neighborhood was always fine. We'd walk through it sometimes, I just found it to be a normal area. The houses were smaller than in Monmouth Beach, but I never thought it was dangerous. It was certainly not "blighted," that is to say, "in a state of deterioration, dilapidation, or decay." It was just sub-middle class residents living their lives near the ocean.

But that wasn't good enough for the governing members of the city. Their eyes saw the potential green of the ocean more prominently than the blue. So they proceeded with the developers' lucrative plans. These are still continuing now. 140 properties have already been condemned in that town using eminent domain.

Eminent domain used to be a legitimate concept. The government understood that sometimes, the benefit of the area outweighed the local residents' right to live there. In the past, eminent domain has been used to build highways, airports, railroads, forts, dams, etc. Used to build items that clearly are beneficial to the area. Few could argue the aforementioned constructions are not needed.

Now. The city of Long Branch demolished 140 properties, consisting of residences and businesses, to build a much larger number of (yes, that's right) residences and businesses.
I feel like I'm missing a big aspect of this, but the problem is I'm not. This is what happened. All the town had to do was label the area "blighted" and it could takeover. All these new establishments have done is help raise the amount of money earned by the city councilpeople. I just don't get it. Long Branch already had plenty of businesses, in the Broadway area and the West End area. Why were more necessary in places where people used to live?

Then there are aspects that are just silly. Redesigning Ocean Boulevard, for instance, with shoulders of grass. At intersections, the curb actually bends INWARD, eliminating the "shoulder," and forcing any cyclists to crash into vehicles in the right lane. Furthermore, the road is 2 lanes in each direction, with a wide grass median and "shoulders," yet the speed limit has been reduced to 35 miles per hour. Why? In other sections, the speed limit is 40 or 45. I guess the new locals just hate seeing cars moving too quickly.

What's more, this new redevlopment is just bringing an even greater number of people to live in the Monmouth County area. Isn't this area already strained to its limits? Hasn't anyone noticed how many roads have huge traffic backups at all hours of the day? And this is only going to worsen. Nobody wants to see THEIR streets widened to increase the number of lanes. Route 36 West toward the mall, you could wait for 15 to 20 minutes to get across 3 traffic lights.

The problem is nobody believes in natural rights anymore. People are much more legalistic now. "The government needs to monitor our phone calls. Its just doing its job to protect us." "The city needs to redevelop this land to generate more revenue." "Marriage needs to be protected more than the individual." But, these things are costing the individual. Shouldn't your conversations be between you and the person YOU are talking to? Shouldn't your home belong to YOU? It shouldn't be taken from you to simply build more luxurious homes and businesses. Shouldn't your inherent right to love who you choose come with a right to marry who you love?

I don't know. I'm an old-fashioned kind of person. The more I learn about the past, the more I think we could learn from it. There are exceptions, such as my feelings on marriage, but these are based on an older principle, as I've mentioned.

I'm wondering

2007-08-08T07:17:06Z

I'm thinking about if it's worth it to make a facebook.

The only reason I would bother is the possibility of finding a mate/partner. Otherwise, I don't like the concept of joining ANOTHER social networking site. I feel the same way about this as I do about using substances, as stupid as it sounds. I'm just adamant and don't like to give in to things because I'm the only one different.

Does anyone think that it'd actually be possible for me to find someone new on facebook? From what I've seen of the site, it doesn't look like it. It seems very private and not useful for meeting new people.