| Success. |
[Sep. 25th, 2008|10:24 am] |
I will not use this blog again. Thanks to livejournal for accepting my rants and raves.
I'm moving on. |
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| Wow. |
[Jul. 22nd, 2008|01:30 am] |
I'm a little embarrassed that I'm 18 and still using livejournal for more than just some simple looking back. MY LAST POST WAS TWO WEEKS AGO??? I feel like that was two or three days ago. WHAT THE FUCK? Where is my time going? At the same time, even though next to nothing has happened, a lot has changed in my own psyche. I know why, but I just don't know how to solve it. It's all so ambiguous and vague and subtle that I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. I've never been good at subtlety.
I'll do what I can.. |
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| Apparently I just periodically miss this, |
[Jul. 8th, 2008|02:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Illuminate by Lydia | ] |
which is senseless because it's always sitting right here waiting for me, but I just choose to ignore it for periods lasting anywhere from a month to several.
Remember when Lydia was my favorite band?
Remember when I took pictures at 2:30am in Monmouth Beach and had no friends?
Remember when my entire range of emotions, from inconsolable to ecstatic would be explored in the course of a weekend?
Remember when I was wistful?
Remember when I'd never drink or smoke?
Remember when I adamantly believed in objective truth?
Remember when I'd post livejournals multiple times per week?
Remember when I was idealistic and alone and just so indescribably content with life and spoke the ocean in the hour just before sunrise?
I'm not really sure to whom these are addressed. THANK GOODNESS the last one is still around, though, and I will probably be departing soon to speak to my longest-standing and most loyal friend. The first one may be temporarily true also, as I'm loving Lydia's second album right now, and it seems only fitting I'd listen to it as I write this.
Taking up my new habit was one of the best decisions I ever made. I was already pretty happy before I did, but having done it with some frequency now, I can only conclude it's made me even happier. I'm more spiritual, I'm friendlier, and I'm far more pleased with my life. I still have my mild paranoias and neuroses but I have made progress, and truly, they only bother me on rare occasions.
P.S. I had to stop typing in the middle of the last rhetorical question up there to close my eyes and get giddy and smile enormously, just because I was thinking about how great my life is.
I forgot my Ipod was named Grendel. I just cracked up when I saw that just now. I had some good insights sometimes, even back in the day, if I can toot my own horn a little.
I wish other people still used Livejournal. Reviewing my old entries, getting comments used to make me all smiley. Though, even if nobody else ever happens to see this, it won't be that bad at all. ;-)
I'm off to the Ocean. Goodnight. |
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| lol. |
[Mar. 2nd, 2008|11:08 pm] |
sometimes i forget, but i'm forcing myself to remember that i'm only as happy as i choose to be. i choose to be very happy thanks.
but as for my many pet peeves, my current one is how tired i am of hearing / seeing / reading lyrics everywhere i go, be it in real life or online.
lol.
and i completely adore my myspace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2007|10:49 pm] |
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Living the good life. <3 |
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| I've been a lot happier |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|12:00 am] |
since I've become more spiritual. I saw two spirits in the last two days. First in the dense morning fog on Wednesday, driving over the bridge into Little Silver, I swear I saw a being float swiftly and smoothly into the trees.
Then tonight, driving home from Zakk's, a very fair, light brown deer leaps onto the road, stares at my car briefly, then hops back into the yards. It got me thinking so much. I can't believe the way our kind just moved into Turtle Island, renamed it "America," declared ourselves the true owners, murdered the locals and destroyed the way of life they'd been practicing for millenia. Meanwhile, the natives who have been on Turtle Island for hundreds of thousands of years, the deer, suddenly find themselves lost in an artificial world of wood, fences, and roads in only some 50 or 60 years. Fortunately, because of the unprecented level of world destruction of our kind, we won't be here fucking everything up for that many generations left. It would be like a bum moving into your perfectly cleaned and neat home and trashing everything. At least he leaves the next morning. We "Americans" will be doing that soon enough. Then the deer will have their home back.
I don't care what logic or the reasoned mind out to dictate. A wise mind is a balanced mind, mixing the objective with the subjective. What I saw both times were spiritual manifestations of this very planet. I have my own theory about the fog spirit, and about fog generally, but I am far too exhausted.
Goodnight everybody. |
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| Thursday's Waiting |
[Nov. 6th, 2007|12:27 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Waiting by Thursday | ] |
Waiting has always been a poignant CD to me. I listen and I always feel nostalgic for a past I never had. A time when music meant something real, something beyond audial enjoyment. I know they really weren't trying to start a revolution with this CD, and actually, I'm pretty sure all they wanted to do was write an excellent CD to start their career with. But whatever their intent, the result, in my mind, is a work that evokes a feelings of the true teenage mindset. Pure, unpretentious, actual emotions that one could find in the typical teenage mind, underneath the layers of dust and television images.
I'm scared that I have to be an adult in the eyes of the law in three months. I'm anything but prepared to call myself an adult. I could go on a long rant of the silliness of "becoming legal," but I won't. All I want is to enjoy the rest of my years as a minor and then continue to enjoy my years as an adult. I do have to make sure I never forget my young idealism. The beliefs form at a young age because they are my own true values, more dear to me then any I will develop as an adult. I will not forget them, nor will I forget the lessons I've learned.
I'm planning to make my birthday weekend the best three days of my life. My birthday falls on a Saturday, which is the best day it could be on, so I will make the most of that.
I'm thinking Friday night will consist of massive abandonment exploration, Marlboro Asylum of course, perhaps something else too..
Saturday, I'll probably plan a hiking trip, and with luck, a lot of people will come on that. I hope to get everyone or almost everyone on that.
Sunday, I want to go to the Paulinskill Viaduct.
Maybe a trip to the Palisades in there too. And definitely night at the Inkwell after at least one of these trips, like a 1am deal, if possible. Probably a dinner at an Indian restaurant one of these nights too.
"So often we form communities, only to use them as exclusionary devices. We forget that somewhere a man is beside himself with grief. Somewhere people are calling for teachers, and no one is answering. Somewhere a man stands, walks across the room, and breaks his nose against the door. And somewhere these people are keeping records and writing a book. For now, we can call it the book about the basic flaw, or the book about the letter a, or any title that a book about a man that no one cares about might have. and as we turn the pages, we call out the sounds nothing, the sounds of a vanishing alphabet, standing here, waiting."
This CD is still blowing me away. Goodnight. |
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| This is when you know there's something wrong with public school. |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|12:23 am] |
This is taken from my K-5 grade school. This didn't exist when I went there, and thank goodness. This is one of the sickest, most horrific things I've seen in a long while...
( A failed culture is one that is incapable of transmitting knowledge )
Now my two cents, if our society has become so fragmented from a knowledge of what it means to be a human being that our children are no longer able to grow up by their own accords, we're already dead. I have to infer from this new curriculum that parents have been deemed inadequate to inform their children of anything, if the public school system now must be the one to tell our seven year olds that "family rules are important." These are the same families who, according to the NJ government, are incapable of teaching their own children that "family rules are important." A bit illogical, perhaps? Maybe the most illogical thing I could find would be some logic in a government, I guess. Again, I'm naive and I like to think that a child's "family" would be the most adept at teaching their "biological offspring" about what it means to be in a "family" or how to grow up.
If I ever raise a child, I will make sure that I have the time to homeschool him or the money to send him to private school. Any school teaching fourth grade students that "a lack of respect is the basis of prejudice" has proven itself useless in my eyes. |
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| I'm always more emotional when I'm tired... |
[Oct. 25th, 2007|12:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  emotional | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Instrumentals | ] |
But "Your Hand in Mine" by Explosions in the Sky is seriously throwing me to the verge of tears, complete with a spontaenous overflow of powerful feelings. |
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